HOW TO HELP YOUR DAUGHTER TAKE ACTION - FROM POWER VS. WILLPOWER
“I will read more starting tomorrow... I promise!”
How many of us have heard these words before from one of our children?
And does it usually work? Do they change their ways and start reading as promised, for the months and years ahead?
Perhaps for a day or two... right?
But ultimately it doesn't last.
And I'm sure it's not just our daughters from whom we've heard similar words before, but also from ourselves...
“I will exercise more tomorrow. Or I will parent with more patience starting on Monday.”
But usually these promises last even shorter than our toddler's tantrums.
The reason for this is that changing our actions from a feeling of guilt usually requires willpower.
And as we know, our amount of willpower is limited in our days. We tend to wake up with a bucket full in the morning... or when we start grocery shopping. But by the time we are checking out, those candy bars at the check-out line look pretty inviting.
And so we sometimes have to use up a bit of willpower to not buy one of those and scarf it down before we even get to our car.
Come evening, who knows how much willpower we have left in our buckets... if any.
So how can we then encourage our daughter to start reading more? Or ourselves to hit the trails and go on a run in the morning?
First, we always have to check what feeling this desire is coming from... Because unless that action is generated by a compelling, positive thought, it won’t last very long.
In my daughter's case, I asked her:
When you think the thought - I need to read more - what feeling does that generate in your body?
“It makes me feel anxious or nervous.”
Why do think that is? I asked.
“Because I'm afraid I won't be ready for high school. So I want to start reading more.”
And why do you think you haven't been reading as much lately, I asked?
"Because I don't like starting new books... it always takes a while for me to get into it, and I'd rather play instead than pick up a book that I haven't already started. Because at first it's always hard."
These stories that our brains automatically generate, that often we aren't even aware of, are invaluable if we want to help our daughters...
Because telling them to take action from a feeling of anxiety, guilt, or incompetence, will never last.
What works instead is first understanding the story our brain has come up with.
And not only the story that “it's hard to start a new book...”
But our daughters also need to understand that our brains always seek comfort first. So left to its own device, it will always choose easy over hard. Playing over reading. Sleeping in vs. exercising.
Hands down. Every time.
It's just how it’s programmed.
So I told my daughter that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for choosing to play over reading. It actually shows your human brain is healthy and functioning properly.
However, if you want to challenge yourself, you have to know that you'll always have to go against your brain's programming every time. And your brain will put up plenty of resistance with thoughts such as:
"Put the book down, you deserve to be playing instead. It's a stupid book anyway. What's the point..."
So each time you try something hard, welcome this resistance from your brain. Know that it's coming...
And especially know that it's just an optional story.
Instead, write another story, that serves you better...
What's your compelling reason that you want to read more? Why is it important to you? What feeling would you like to feel instead of anxiety?
To this last question, my daughter came up with motivated or excited.
So what would be a motivating thought that you could think when you decide to read each day?
“I want to think that reading is what will get me to my goals.”
This generated a big discussion about her dreams and goals in her future, but the point is, that she now has a whole new story around it... why she wants to read, how it benefits her, and ultimately how reading helps her reach her goals in life.
This one thought she picked "reading is what will get me to my goals" is just a quick way to generate that motivation that stems from this bigger story... and she can choose this day in and day out.
However, come tomorrow, you may not feel like reading, I told her.
Actually, expect that, and know that it's coming.
Your brain will probably throw a hissy fit as soon as you pick up that new book tomorrow.
What do you think your brain will say?
“Just go and play. You are on the screen all day anyway because of virtual school. You deserve to play instead."
Yes. But guess what.
The part of your brain that that's coming from, is your old mammalian brain. And that part is always seeking comfort in the here and now.
Your prefrontal cortex, on the other hand, is your human brain, and that is where your power lies. This part of your brain knows your long-term goals, and ultimately what's best for you.
So this new story you just came up with, the more you practice thinking it, will slowly train your subconscious brain to instead of fighting against you reading, encourage you instead.
This will probably take some time, but this is how new habits are born, that actually serve you in the long-run.
SO NO MATTER WHAT ACTION YOU WOULD LIKE TO START TAKING,
HERE ARE THE STEPS:
Understand what current feeling is generating your desire to take that action. Is it coming from a good place, or from guilt, scarcity or anxiety?
If the latter, hear out your brain’s current story surrounding this action - all the excuses and why you aren’t already taking it. What’s in the way?
Rewrite this story in a new and compelling way… why you are motivated to do it, and how you could commit to it. Pick an emotion and a thought that could drive that feeling. And this doesn’t have to be the most glorious emotion - committed is enough, if other emotions seem too far fetched at the moment (such as excited, motivated or passionate.)
Practice the new thought and story, and welcome the resistance from your mammalian brain. That resistance will be your companion until your brain is rewired, and this new action becomes an automatic habit.
So yes, it does take longer to figure out how to help our daughters feel motivated to go after their goals.
But ultimately it's a process that generates their power...
instead of just using up their willpower.
The more we can coach them through looking at these stories that their brain has created, and then helping them re-write them in a way that generates positive emotions such as motivation, excitement, or commitment, just imagine what audacious goals they will be able to go after in their lives!
