When someone tells your daughter:

Your face is ugly.

You look like a boy.

You are too tall. Too fat. Or just too much.

Those words are coming from pain. They are coming from boredom.

And we can’t stop the world from telling her how to be.

How to look.

How to act… in order to be acceptable.

But that’s okay.

Because her power lies not in controlling the world around her, but instead controlling how she reacts to anything that happens to her.

So if someone says:

“Your face is ugly.”

And then she answers: “I know. But you should see my Mom’s face!”

It takes the drama out of it. There is nowhere to go… if she just agrees.

And she agrees, not because she believes it.

But rather, because she realizes that it’s pointless to argue.

To fight.

To convince.

Because all of that just gives her power away.

Because what that mean commenter wants the most is for her to be UPSET!

BUT IF SHE DOESN’T GET UPSET…

YOUR DAUGHTER GETS TO WIN.

And just walk away.

So many of us Moms might worry about our daughters going along with crazy ideas that her friends might come up with especially during her teenage years – so we tell her throughout her life:

Don’t give in to peer pressure!

But to empower her in way that she actually chooses the right decisions for herself, she first needs to understand how her brain is programmed…

Because as humans, we want to feel connected to each other, to our group. To our tribe.

And that’s because evolutionarily,

connection feels SAFE and SECURE to us.

As there was no way to survive on our own in the African savanna, we needed our tribe for our safety and survival, every step of the way.  

And as you know, our brains are still wired as if we are still living that way.  

So then your daughter’s friend comes along with a crazy idea – let’s steal alcohol and drink it in the park! – and suddenly, before she knows it, her whole group agrees.

Everyone, except for your daughter.

At first, that is.

She might automatically think that this is a really dumb idea. And normally she’d never dream of doing such a thing.

But suddenly, her disagreement can feel like a loss of connection from her group, from her tribe  – and especially to her teenage brain, this can feel very threatening.

Dangerous even.

Because to her brain, safety equals connection to her group. And without her tribe, her brain literally thinks that she is now forced to flee and fend for herself in the wild.  

As a result, TENSION develops.

And this tension can feel extremely uncomfortable to her, because her brain literally interprets her disconnection from her group as a life-and-death emergency.

So instead of feeling this tension and that disagreement… it can feel much easier, and even safer, to just AGREE.

And once she opens the door to agreement, her brain will then start releasing that tension by supporting her with all the right excuses…

“Maybe they are right, maybe I am boring if I don’t do it. And it’ll probably be fun. And no one will find out anyway.”

And this path of re-connection gives her a huge sense of RELIEF.  

After all, she is back in her group’s grace.

Her brain can feel safe and secure… once again.

Here is a peach. Do you like peaches?

I love peaches. And maybe you do as well.

But someone else may not.

I think that you would probably agree, that even if you LOVE peaches and could eat them all day, every day, not a 100% of the world loves them the same as you do.

Why would that be, you think?

Maybe because they are too fuzzy. Or too juicy. Or it tastes weird to them.

Or they just think it looks funny.

Who knows?! There might be a million reasons why some people don't like peaches.

But even if we ourselves love peaches, we are not offended by someone who doesn't like them, right?

We are not upset by it, or try to convince them to like it.

No, not at all.

We just let others not like peaches...

Because we know that peaches are not for everyone.

And here is the thing...

YOU ARE A PEACH AS WELL!

Which means that some people will gravitate towards you and like you.

And absolutely love spending time with you...

While many others won't.

And that's okay as well.

Because even peaches are not for everyone.

But for those who love peaches - they will absolutely love your unique style.

Your jokes, your laugh, your manner.

While others who don't, might think that you are too loud.

Or too quiet.

Too tall or too short.

Who knows why they may not like you?!

But that's okay.

Because some people just don't like peaches.

So you don't have to convince them of your goodness.

Your coolness.

Your funniness.

Because you are not for everyone.

After all, you are a peach.

And it’s okay, that not everyone likes peaches.