RESILIENCE

One of my daughters is and has always been terrified of shots.

Tears, panic… the works.

As she just turned 11, we knew that there are shots in her very near future, since her annual check-up was coming up. So I braced the subject the day before as nonchalantly as I could.

Her own goal for the past couple of years has been to not cry at the doctor’s office… a goal she was still aiming to reach.

So what really happens at the doctor’s office that makes it so scary, I asked?!

Because she has never once cried because of the actual shot.

Okay, maybe when she was a baby, when out of nowhere she was poked by a strange person.

But from the moment that she was old enough to understand that she was getting a shot, it has never been the actual pain of the shot that made her cry… Ever.

Some years she couldn’t even feel it!

So we figured out, that what has actually made her cry were her painful thoughts about it.

Beforehand.

Isn’t that crazy?!

The shots are usually fine. Yes, uncomfortable, but as you know, really never so bad that it would actually make one cry.

Instead, her thoughts do that. Thoughts are that powerful!

And it’s totally fine being afraid, I said. Of course.

It’s a new situation that’s a little scary.

Welcome the fear.

But know that that fear is not generated by the sharp needle or the looming painful shot…

But rather your thoughts about it.

“So what are those thoughts that your brain is generating?” I asked her.

“It’ll be so painful and scary.”

So I told her: if I thought the thought: “it’ll be so painful and scary,” I would completely freak myself out as well! That’s exactly what those thoughts do to anyone who thinks them.

I’m already feeling the flutters in my chest and tummy, just saying this sentence “it’ll be so painful and scary” out loud.

So what thoughts do you think would be more useful to think when we are at the doctor’s office?

After a little deliberation, she came up with these…

“It’s scary, but I can handle it.”

“I’m courageous, I’ve got this.”

“It’ll be quick, I’ve done it before many times.”

At some point on the way to the doctor’s office she started crying in the car… I let her for a moment, but then said:

“The reason you are crying right now is because of the scary thoughts you are currently thinking. What are they?”

After sharing them, she reminded herself of the thoughts she picked on purpose, and chose this hybrid one: “I’m scared, but I can do this.”

What feeling does that generate for you, I asked her?

Determination.

Three shots later, a proud girl walked out from the doctor’s office.

After sharing the happy news with her 16 year-old cousin, he said:

“I actually love getting shots. I think they feel good.”

Which completely blew everyone’s mind.

But it was a good reminder – the shots and the sharp needles are completely neutral – neither good nor bad.

It’s always just our thoughts about them that make them terrifying or fun.

Anxiety’s slogan is just one thing: you can’t handle it.

And when you mix this sentence with your magical ability to use your imagination, you can create an absolute crisis in your body.

Because when your brain looks around and there is uncertainty in your life, or something you can’t really control the outcome of, it will very likely start asking the most dramatic WHAT IF questions from you…

WHAT IF… (WORST CASE SCENARIO)?

And whether it’s related to the pandemic or your future, your brain at first will try and answer it, or minimize it, or explain why most likely this won’t actually happen…

But trying to debate against your brain can take so much effort that at some point you might just run out of steam and collapse into…

I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Immediately then flooding your body with stress hormones such as cortisol, making you feel anxious.

Worried.

And maybe even freaked out.

Because once it hits on a topic close to your heart, these anxious sentences in your brain can grab on and make it very hard to let go.  

And that’s because it’s your AMYGDALA in your primitive part of your brain that is responsible for this, which can't tell the difference between fake news and reality, or 0.01% chance vs. 100%.

So it can make you feel just as anxious – be it about the Loch Ness monster or an actual tornado heading your way.

Your brain is designed to want to feel 2 things at all times:

CERTAINTY + COMFORT.

To know exactly what will happen and be comfortable during the entire time.  

And when at least one of these two things are missing, our anxious brain will urge us to scroll, read, over-think, eat, quit, change…

all in order to take some kind of action to reach its goal:

to find a way to finally FEEL BETTER.

But we all live on a planet where things are always a bit unpredictable. Which makes these anxious stories in all of our lives pretty much a given.

So our job is not to help our daughters eliminate them.

Because so often fighting or resisting them is exactly what escalates these stories into a full-blown PANIC ATTACK.  

Instead, we need to teach our daughters to carve out perhaps a different kind of a relationship with these sentences…

And say hello to them.

To her fear.

To her worry.

To being scared.

To the anxious stories in her brain…

And not make them a problem.

As humans, we were given a gift that no other animal possesses:

We can notice our own brain, our own thoughts, and we have the power to make decisions OVER them.

Instead of just REACTING FROM them.

And she can do it in a way that she can let all the scary thoughts be there…

observing them, seeing them, understanding them…

but without solving for them, fighting or researching them.

Anxiety has a hidden gift for all of us.

It has energy behind it. And lots of it.

Anxiety is always urging us to research, scroll, change… in order to feel better.

Your daughter needs to understand her own brain.

Because once she understands the contents in there and why those stories are showing up… she then has options.

So many of us may have grown up feeling judgmental about our negative emotions, or entitled to feel good at all times.

Which then often translates into wanting to fix or escape these often unwanted emotions.

But what if we just removed the layer of judgment from our anxious thoughts?!

Because if your daughter would like to lead a big, bold, adventurous life, she needs to learn how to step in to her fear and anxiety, and respond differently than her brain would like.

Whether your daughter has a medically diagnosed anxiety disorder or just anxious thoughts, the relationship she has with this feeling of anxiety is always an opportunity for growth.

Yeah, I can feel anxiety. I can feel lots of emotions.

Bring your anxiety to dance class.

On the airplane.

To your presentation.

Come on, anxiety, we have some work to do.

The way you look at her.

Believe in her…

shapes her skill to bounce back from whatever happens to her in life.  

Whether you see her mistakes, struggles, or making the “wrong” choices as a reason to worry, to fear, that she won’t be able to recover from this one.

Because this one is just “too big” or “too bad.” 

And when you don’t believe in your daughter’s resilience,

the world becomes a scary place. 

Like walking on a tight-rope high off the ground… with every mistake being an opportunity to fall too far below.

And because her eyes are programmed and wired to look to yours for feedback,

too often then SHE stops believing in her resilience as well.

And becomes scared to make mistakes…

Because that one bad grade, or that one team or club she didn’t make, or that one opportunity she missed out on… in her mind might bring with it the possibility to ruin her life.

And it becomes very hard to live this way.

So to help free her up from this immense weight, Moms may have to do the work first and lead her way.

Because our daughters are wired to explore, to grow from each mistake.

Just as a toddler who is learning to walk can’t possibly build up enough strength without falling down over and over again - each time doing squats to get back up, building up her muscle strength.

It’s the exact same with our daughters.

Every mistake is an opportunity for learning, growth, and insight...

Which she wouldn’t get any other way.

So as Moms we help them, coach them, guide them…

but ultimately BELIEVE in her resilience,

and let her carve out her own way.