PEER PRESSURE - DECODED

So many of us Moms might worry about our daughters going along with crazy ideas that her friends might come up with especially during her teenage years – so we tell her throughout her life:

Don’t give in to peer pressure!

But to empower her in way that she actually chooses the right decisions for herself, she first needs to understand how her brain is programmed…

Because as humans, we want to feel connected to each other, to our group. To our tribe.

And that’s because evolutionarily,

connection feels SAFE and SECURE to us.

As there was no way to survive on our own in the African savanna, we needed our tribe for our safety and survival, every step of the way.  

And as you know, our brains are still wired as if we are still living that way.  

So then your daughter’s friend comes along with a crazy idea – let’s steal alcohol and drink it in the park! – and suddenly, before she knows it, her whole group agrees.

Everyone, except for your daughter.

At first, that is.

She might automatically think that this is a really dumb idea. And normally she’d never dream of doing such a thing.

But suddenly, her disagreement can feel like a loss of connection from her group, from her tribe  – and especially to her teenage brain, this can feel very threatening.

Dangerous even.

Because to her brain, safety equals connection to her group. And without her tribe, her brain literally thinks that she is now forced to flee and fend for herself in the wild.  

As a result, TENSION develops.

And this tension can feel extremely uncomfortable to her, because her brain literally interprets her disconnection from her group as a life-and-death emergency.

So instead of feeling this tension and that disagreement… it can feel much easier, and even safer, to just AGREE.

And once she opens the door to agreement, her brain will then start releasing that tension by supporting her with all the right excuses…

“Maybe they are right, maybe I am boring if I don’t do it. And it’ll probably be fun. And no one will find out anyway.”

And this path of re-connection gives her a huge sense of RELIEF.  

After all, she is back in her group’s grace.

Her brain can feel safe and secure… once again.