WHEN YOU HAVE VISIONS OF HER ‘DOOMED’ FUTURE

Most of us Moms, at one point or another notice something in our daughters that trigger us in a way that we are flooded with concern.

Which then open the gates to visions of her future –

Oh my gosh, my daughter won’t be successful. She won’t be happy. She won’t be able to hold down a job. She will be overweight. Or anorexic. Or a drug addict. Or become homeless. Or marry the wrong person.

Whatever flavor your crazy is. Most of us have it.

And then soon after these visions, many of us have a thought:

“I need to show up as a good mom and help her.”

Which sounds like a lovely thought.

Wholesome even.

People might even applaud you for that.

But for many of us that one thought generates a feeling that makes us act the exact opposite way as intended.

And the mistakes we end up making from this one thought become endless…

Because when we look at our actions that come from that one thought - it’s often not what you want to be doing. It’s actually not good mothering.

Why would that be??

It is such a delightful thought after all.

The reason is because concern comes from fear… the fear that the future you see in your mind’s eye, will come true.

And you are desperate to prevent it from happening.

And from that desperation, we often act crazy.

Hysterical even.

And we might even say that “this is for your own good!!”

Because you thinking you want to be a good mother actually makes you feel terrified and controlling.

And any time you are coming from a place of wanting to control your daughter or her future, that’s just you wanting to feel a sense of relief.

From your own gloomy thoughts about her future.

So wanting to be a good or a responsible mom – can actually hurt our chances of helping our daughters.

Of connecting with her.

Of hearing her out.

And coming from the frantic energy often makes things worse -

 My mom doesn’t understand. She has no clue. She scares me even more. I can’t turn to her with my problems. She can’t handle it. She falls apart.

The exact opposite of what we intended.

So in order to help our daughters through their challenges, we need another approach:

1. First you have to realize that her doomed future is not reality.

It is not the truth.

It’s just a story your mind made up.

So first you have to bring it back to the present moment.

And drop the drama.

Maybe there is a spark of concern that’s good to look at.  

And you can look at the present situation objectively by asking your brain for evidence to see the other side of the story – which your brain will immediately block access to. There is no other side – she is a complete disaster in this area of her life. And your brain will say this, because when there is a problem, our brains collect evidence to prove whatever it already believes – completely disregarding the other side of the story.

So you have to work against your brain’s wiring, which takes conscious effort, to see how your daughter is still doing many things right, even in this area of her life.  

2. And then you have to learn to switch from concern to feeling a more useful emotion – through the thoughts that you are thinking.

If you feel controlling - you feel tense. You feel afraid.

Don’t take action yet. Even if you think a good mother would do this.

Just come back to yourself, and ask yourself:

How do I want to feel about my daughter?

Because as a mom, you probably want to come from a place of curiosity and love and connection – instead of control, judgment, or thinking that she should do it different.

And we all have our own unique thoughts that generate these positive emotions for us, so you’ll have to find your own. But some might be:

It’s her journey. And I want to help her through it.

This is part of her curriculum of life. I want to be there for her.

This is an opportunity for growth, and I want to understand what she is going through.

I want this to connect us, not disconnect us.

3. And then from that place of curiosity, you can connect.

What’s going on for you? Talk to me. How are you?

Because it’s never about the food. The drugs. The homework. The friends. The sugar.

It’s what’s beneath it all.

Where she is hurting and why.

And this can be something that ends up disconnecting you, compounding her problems.

Or you can make it something that connects you. A true opportunity for growth.

The truth is, we can’t control our daughters or their future.

Especially once they get to a certain age – we can guide them, coach them, help them.

But ultimately, it’s their journey to take.

What we can do is do the work on ourselves so that we show up in a way that’s actually helpful, instead of compounding their problems with our own fear and concern.

And the way to know that you are on the right track is always checking into what emotion you are feeling…  

Connection. Hope. Love. Support. Understanding. Acceptance.

These might seem far-fetched emotions at first.

But they are always available to you…

One thought at a time.