HOW TO ROCK YOUR PARENTING

There is a hidden force that’s weighing so many of us Moms down.

It is so unrealistic, and it is so impossible to reach… it would be like having to climb Mount Everest.

In skorts.

And yet, it’s created by you, with just a teeny little help from our society.

It is called your job description. As a Mom.

How long do you think yours is?

Because for so many of us, it is a very long manual.

However, before our daughter is even born, it usually starts out lovely…

I’m going to love her to the moon and back… and I will be forever patient and absolutely delightful around her. No matter what.

But then of course she is actually born… and the minute she is here, the actual writing in the manual begins. And for so many of us, before we even know it, this manual starts filling up with lots of IFs and THENs.

If she can nurse, and then sleep through the night… then I can feel like I’m a good mom.

If I read to her, make her healthy foods, stay present and patient… then I can feel like a good mom.

If she chooses good friends, does well in school, and treats her siblings well… then I can feel like a good mom.

It is like a moving goal post.

Goals you might reach for a second, but then one of your children has a meltdown, and the goal post moves out of reach yet again.

So you continue chasing it…

Because so many of us have this belief, that good kids mean that I’m a good mom.

Somehow in the world’s eye.

And somehow that then means that I’ve done what I’m supposed to do.

I’ve passed the test from the universe.  

But there is no test. And the world will have its opinion of your parenting no matter what.

And they could think that you are a total disaster, no matter how well you think you are doing, or the exact opposite, that it’s super obnoxious that you are doing it so well.

So the world gets to think whatever they want about you. And don’t worry, they will.

But here is the good part…

You have the exact same power.

You get to think whatever you want about your own parenting as well.

You get to think that you are a badass mom or that you rock parenting…

Even when your daughter is yelling at you. Or your children are fighting. Or not doing well in school. Or hanging out with the wrong kind of friends. Or possibly even experimenting with alcohol.

I want you to consider, that you feeling like a good mom, or a successful mom, or whatever your goal is, is not dependent on how your daughter or children are acting.

Or even how you are acting, for that matter.  

Because none of those things ever cause your thoughts and feelings.

You are the only one who creates those with your mind.

And why would you do that?

Why would you think that you are an amazing mom?

Because your current manual most likely makes you feel pressure.

And stressed out.

And most of us don’t do our best parenting from this space.

When we’ve given ourself a job description that we cannot with the best of intentions fulfill, it can feel impossible and overwhelming. Like you are always lagging behind.

Like you are never good enough.

And so by putting this pressure on ourselves, we then put it on our children.  

To do well. To act well. To show up well.

So that the world can finally take notice and approve of us.

But before we sink too far down this rabbit hole, let’s lighten our load in these 3 steps:

1. First you have to release your daughter (or children) from your job description.

And she gets to just be her. We get this false sense of being able to control her, just because when she was younger, she followed at least some of our directions. But this is her life journey – we can do our best to guide and coach her, but ultimately she gets the final say. So instead of evaluating yourself based on her actions, learn to separate yourself, and just focus on how you show up with her.

2. And then ask yourself: What’s your job as a mom that currently feels amazing to you?

That’s about you and the actions you take.

And then come up with just one sentence that works for you.

My only job is to… love her. Or guide her. Or connect with her. Or to demonstrate how to be a mom and a business owner.

Because if I can do that, no matter what each day, then I’ve fulfilled my job description. Then everything else I do is bonus.

For example, if I can show up in a loving way even while she is having a meltdown, and not make her actions mean anything about myself… then I’ve succeeded.

3. Figure out the goal post that your brain is wanting you to reach, that is meaningful to you.

Is it to feel like a good mom? Or a successful mom? A loving mom? A fun mom? A mom who is connected to her children?  

And practice giving it to yourself.

In advance. In the moment. At the end of the day.

Because when you feel amazing about yourself as a Mom, do you know how you’ll show up with your children?

Amazing.

And that is because our thoughts (ones that we actually believe) lead to our feelings, which then generate the actions we take.

So when you tell yourself that you are a good mom (and believe it), you might then feel proud or energized. Or even happy. And the actions you take from these feelings are very different from the actions you might take when you feel pressure or stressed.

So learning to fuel your actions as a Mom from a positive space, is the best thing you can do for your daughter.

And you might be thinking – but that’s completely delusional.  

Because I know that I am not yet a good mom until I’ve done x, y, and z.

And to that I’d like to say that you are deluding yourself either way.

The hating of yourself is a delusion. You thinking in a negative way is not the truth either. It is just one interpretation out of thousands that are available to you. So you might as well choose something that actually serves you.  

Just think of a singer.

It is completely up to interpretation who a good singer is.

Your brain might immediately say that you know who a good singer is – someone like the Indigo Girls or Brandi Carlile, for example. Or Aretha Franklin.

But some people think the group ACDC is amazing.

So you get to define for yourself what you consider good singing, or in our case, good parenting.

Just make sure that whatever you define for yourself moves you forward.

Our daughters are our best teachers if we are looking to grow and evolve in our lives.

Because if you are in a space where you recognize that you don't need her to behave any different in order for you to feel better, then you get so much more authority over yourself, and coincidentally, over your children as well.

You learn to not be so dependent on their successes and failures.

Or on the world’s approval.

So you show up lighter. More in control.

And ultimately happier.

And isn’t that what our daughters want from us to begin with?